someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
