I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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