How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize