with your own penis?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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