a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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