don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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