his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
