We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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