Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
