my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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