im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
