never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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