Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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