She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
