Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
