tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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