She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
