Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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