Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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