this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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