I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
