Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
