Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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