just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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