Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
