I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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