my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
