i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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