you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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