i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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