...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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