Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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