How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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