I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Can I color on your dick again?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize