hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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