i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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