I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
