Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
