woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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