I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
