There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
