how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize