my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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