I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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