so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
