I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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