i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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