Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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