The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
