Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize