Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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