I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
