she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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