Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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