I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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