see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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