i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
