There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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