i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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