Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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